Marriage: Intimates or Inmates?
Apart from knowing God,
marriage is the most significant relationship we can experience. But never has
the institution of marriage been more threatened by external and internal problems
than it is today. It is challenged from without by a culture which promotes an
independent spirit, minimizes the responsibility of complete commitment, and
offers divorce as an increasingly common and acceptable alternative. It is
challenged from within by manipulation, un-forgiveness, and a lack of
communication.
As children of God, we
need not settle for lackluster relationships where marriage partners feel more
like inmates than intimates. When we believe and obey God's precepts and
principles, our marriages can become increasingly fulfilling and meaningful as
the years go by. In this booklet, we will look at these scriptural principles
to see how we can enrich our lives through marital relationships that are
characterized by commitment and communion.
According to Scripture,
marriage was not invented by man, but instituted by God. It was divinely
designed not only to be the basic building block of society, but also to
provide an earthly analogy of spiritual truth. Marriage is a lifetime covenant
of mutual commitment between a man and a woman which leads to oneness on every
level: spirit, soul, and body. This communion and intimacy between marriage
partners is designed to reflect the image of God and provide the context for a lasting
relationship of love and respect. This relationship in turn is the foundation
for the privilege of reproduction and the God-given responsibility of physical,
psychological, and spiritual nurturing of children.
This is a high calling,
and it is unattainable apart from conscious dependence upon the grace and power
of God. It may seem safer to settle for less, but in doing so,
we will miss out on the fulfillment God intended for us and end up in
mediocrity. People do not accomplish more than they set out to attempt. No one
plans to have a humdrum marriage, but without the right objectives, a couple
will gradually drift into one. It is always tempting to concentrate on things
rather than relationships, places rather than people, and the material rather than
the spiritual.
If we want the joy of a marriage that grows into an incarnation of God's
design, we must set goals that are consistent with God's purpose for marriage
and implement these goals by walking in the power of the Spirit and not in the
flesh.
Write out the
God-designed purpose for marriage.
Reflect for a few moments
on your marriage … is it directed toward those purposes? Is there
discernible, positive progress?
As you begin to study,
write out a prayer of commitment to learn, grow, and change in your marriage
relationship.
PRINCIPLE:
Marriage is a reflection of a personal covenant relationship between two
people.
Genesis 1 describes the
creation of the universe and climaxes with the creation of man. Genesis 2
concentrates on the creation of man and climaxes with the institution of
marriage. The first chapter portrays God as powerful (the name Elohim is used
of God as the creator); the second chapter portrays God as personal (the name
Yahweh is used of God as the covenant-keeper).
Study chapters 1 and 2 and list several contrasts between them:
|
Genesis
1 |
Genesis 2 |
|
Creation of the
universe |
Creation of man |
|
Climax: creation of man |
Climax: creation of
marriage |
Genesis 1:26-27 states that
male and female together constitute the image of God. "And God created man
in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He
created them" (Gen. 1:27). It is the Lord who created the masculine and
the feminine and endowed them with different characteristics so that each
expresses something different about God. In a healthy marriage, these
personality differences must be acknowledged and accepted. There are
exceptions, but the male is more likely to be realistic, logical, and holistic
in his thinking, while the female is more likely to be idealistic, intuitive,
and detailed in her thinking. In general, men are more conscious of a need for
achievement and significance, while women desire affection and security. When
these differences are accepted by both partners, they become complimentary
rather than competitive. The result is that the total becomes greater than the
sum of the parts.
Genesis 1:26-27 states
that male and female are created in the image of God. What do you think this
means?
How does this affect your
sense of self-worth? (Read Ps. 139: 13-16.)
Accepting yourself sets
you free to accept your partner. What truth in Genesis 1:27 helps
you in the acceptance of your mate? (See also 1 Pet. 3:7.)
PRINCIPLE: The
image of God is best expressed in the combination of male and female.
PRINCIPLE: The
God-designed difference between male and female are to be accepted as
complementary, not competitive.
Genesis 1:28-30 describes
the divine mandate to the man and the woman: "Be fruitful and multiply,
and fill the earth, and subdue it" (vs. 28). God's first command was to
reproduce and have dominion over the earth. From the beginning, God made
marriage and the family central to His creative and redemptive purposes.
PRINCIPLE: Marriage
is a major part of God's plan to bring redemption to the human race. The seed
of the marriage relationship provided the vehicle for the incarnation of the
Savior, Jesus Christ.
Genesis 2:18-22 reveals
that marriage was ordained by God, and not by men. It is a covenant
relationship, and because it was divinely instituted before the fall (Gen. 3),
it was part of God's plan from the beginning, not an emergency measure that
resulted from sin.
Verse 18 says, "Then
the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be
alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.'" God created a sense of
need in the man by having him name the animals and so that he would discover
that none of them fully corresponded to him. Then from his side God fashioned a
new creature that was wonderfully different and yet perfectly complemented him
on a spiritual, intellectual, emotional, and physical level. Loneliness was
replaced by companionship and completion, and this is central to God's design
for marriage. The concept of "a helper suitable for him" (vss. 18,20) speaks of a supportive
relationship between allies and in no way implies that one is inferior to
another.
What does the concept of
"a helper suitable for him" mean?
What was man's response
and why did he respond in this manner (Gen. 2:23-25)?
PRINCIPLE:
Marriage is a divine, not human institution.
PRINCIPLE:
Marriage is to be a relationship of companionship, completion, and communion.
Genesis 2:23-25 tells us
that marriage was designed to be a permanent covenant relationship of mutual
commitment, support, and esteem. The man's response in verse 23, "This is
now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh," is an expression of delight
that at last he has found one who corresponds to him. God ordained the marital
relationship to be a source of joy and fulfillment, not drudgery.
Verses 24-25 present
three essential prerequisites to a quality marriage, and we will look at these
in the next section, "Portrait of Marriage."
PRINCIPLE:
Marriage was designed by God to be a permanent, mutual, covenant relationship.
PRINCIPLE: God's
intent is for marriage to be an inestimable source of joy and fulfillment.
While Genesis 1-2
portrays the institution of marriage, 1 Corinthians 7 provides specific instructions
for marriage. Paul's letter was written to believers in a center of commerce
that was noted for moral corruption and sexual promiscuity.
Verses
1-7 defends
the legitimacy of marriage but also acknowledges the place of the celibate
life. Paul relates celibacy to the gift of self-control (vss.
7,9) and states that there are certain advantages to
remaining single if one has this gift. Two of these advantages are that the
single person is more free to minister (especially in troubled times), and has
fewer distractions to a life of devotion to God (vss.
29-35). It would be wrong to pressure a person with the gift of celibacy to get
married; marriage is a may, but not a must.
Paul portrays marriage as
a reciprocal relationship in which "The wife does not have authority over
her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have
authority over his own body, but the wife does" (vs. 4). Each is enjoined
to regularly satisfy the sexual needs of the other ("Let the husband
fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband;"
vs. 3). In the marital relationship, it is proper for the husband to concern
himself with pleasing and serving his wife, and for
the wife to desire to please and serve her husband (vss.
33-34).
List two reasons why Paul
advocates the celibate lifestyle.
Study Philippians 2:3-11.
How does the example of Christ in this passage have a direct bearing on the
marriage relationship?
PRINCIPLE:
Celibacy is commendable for those called to it. Singleness is not a
second-class state.
PRINCIPLE:
Marriage is a reciprocal relationship, designed to meet the needs of others.
For this cause a man
shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they
shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed
(Gen. 2:24-25).
These verses give us the
clearest and most concise portrait of marriage ever presented. The three
elements of leaving, cleaving, and establishing a one-flesh relationship are
prerequisites to a healthy marital relationship of commitment, completeness,
and companionship.
*Study Genesis 2:24-25 and determine the three elements of God's ideal plan for
marriage.
Leaving must precede
cleaving--marriage requires the forsaking of other relationships so that the
husband and wife can be fully committed to each other. When a man and a woman
leave home to start a new family unit, they are no longer under the authority
of their parents, but are now directly responsible to God and to each other.
They are to be independent of their parents in a geographical, emotional, and
financial sense, and no other relationship should be allowed to come between
them.
In a relationship of
mutual commitment, leaving is the negative aspect, and cleaving is the
positive. The marital vows that are expressed in the presence of witnesses establish
a permanent covenant in which a man and a woman acknowledge that they are
inseparably joined together. The word used in God's mandate for a man to
"cleave to his wife" entails the idea of holding fast, of clinging,
and of being glued or welded together. There are many external and internal
forces that would threaten to sever this bond, but a Christian couple makes a
solemn vow to cling together through troubled as well as calm waters. As they
renew this vow, implement the principles of Scripture, and depend on God's
grace, their relationship can continue to grow in spite of contrary
circumstances.
Cleaving also means that
the relationship between a husband and wife is to be second only to their
relationship with the Lord. Their marriage is to have priority over everything
else, including children, career, hobbies, friends, and ministry.
"They shall become
one flesh" is the mystery of marriage. While this phrase certainly alludes
to the sexual relationship, it goes beyond this, saying that a man and wife
actually become one (note that it is a process). The two complete one another
physically, psychologically, and spiritually, and this completeness is used in
the New Testament to portray an even deeper mystery:
For this cause a man
shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two
shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference
to Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31-32).
The sexual union was
designed by God to be a delightful physical expression of a committed love
relationship, and this relationship was in turn designed to portray the
spiritual relationship between Jesus Christ and His bride, the church.
The Scriptures are clear
that polygamy, adultery, promiscuity, and divorce distort God's purpose for
marriage (cf. Prov. 5:15-23; 6:32; Mal. 2:16) because
they minimize its permanency and commitment. Marriage was never intended to be
a static or dreary experience that tempts people to look elsewhere for
fulfillment, but a dynamic process of deepening completeness and companionship.
There is to be a new identity as two people become one in spirit, soul, and
body. But growing marriages do not happen by default; they are cultivated by
years of mutual effort (discipline) and reliance on the grace of God
(dependence). When marital problems prevail, they inevitably arise from a
failure to leave, a failure to cleave, or a failure to establish a one-flesh
relationship.
See if you can fill in
the following chart with examples from your own marriage or from any marriage
with which you are familiar:
|
POSITIVE
EXAMPLES |
NEGATIVE
EXAMPLES |
|
LEAVE |
|
|
|
|
|
CLEAVE |
|
|
|
|
|
ONE FLESH |
|
|
|
|
The threefold mandate of leaving,
cleaving, and becoming one flesh cannot be fulfilled without love. This
immediately raises a problem, because there are so many personal and cultural
misconceptions about the nature of love. Many people confuse love with
infatuation which is generally based on a superficial level of outward
appearance, a desire for self-satisfaction, fantasy, and romantic euphoria.
The biblical perspective
on love is radically different from what most people associate with the term.
The Bible is in fact a love story from beginning to end, revealing God's
unchanging and sacrificial love for rebellious people:
For this is the way
God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who
believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16).
No one has greater
love than this--that one lays down his life for his friends. (John 15:13).
But God demonstrates his own love for us, in that while we were still sinners,
Christ died for us. (Rom. 5:8).
Husbands, love your
wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her (Eph. 5:25).
In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his
Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins. (1 John 4:10).
God's love is not static
but dynamic, because it is manifested in action as well as attitude. It is a
love which seeks the highest good for its object. This deepest love results
from a choice to give rather than a desire to get. Marriage is to be modeled on
the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church, and it is the nature
of Christ's love to serve and to give (see Mark 10:45).
Love is not primarily a matter of mysterious feelings and irrational passions.
We can choose to love, we can learn to love, and we can develop the depth of
our love even in times of difficulty. Esteem for the unique value of another is
based more on choice than on feelings, and it is this esteem and commitment
which provides stability in a marriage when feelings fluctuate. All of us
desire the emotional aspects of love, but left to themselves, emotions can
become tyrannical. According to Scripture, beliefs determine behavior. The
right thinking will lead to the right actions, and this in turn will lead to
the right emotions.
So far, we have been
talking about agape, the highest form of love because it is the love which God
has for us. But there are other aspects of love which should also be part of
the marital relationship. In The Four Loves, C. S. Lewis develops the meaning
of four Greek words for love, and to this list we will add a fifth.
1. Epithumia--In a negative sense, this
word is translated lust, but it can also be used in a positive way to speak of
legitimate desire. Physical desire should be a part of each marriage; an
absence or minimizing of the sexual relationship is symptomatic of problem
areas that need to be corrected like painful experiences in the past or tension
and poor communication in the present. Marriage was divinely designed to create
oneness between a man and a woman on every level, and the shared experience of sexual
pleasure is an important form of love which enriches the other forms of love in
a marriage union.
2. Eros--This word was commonly used in
Greek literature, though it does not appear in the New Testament. While it is
the basis for our word erotic, it is not limited to the sensual dimension of
love but goes beyond this to the romantic preoccupation with the beloved. Eros
can be present with or without epithumia or sexual desire (what Lewis calls
"Venus"). It can lead to such a powerful identification that it
virtually overcomes the distinction between giving and receiving. Because it is
such an emotional love, eros cannot be summoned at will or sustained without
help.
3. Storge--Like eros, this word is not used
in the New Testament. Storge is the love of affection and belonging, and it
borne out of familiarity. It is a love shared by members of a family who know
they belong together and are comfortable in one another's presence. It provides
a sense of security and an emotional refuge from the outside world.
4. Phileo--This is the love of friendship,
companionship, and openness. It is the product of shared interests, time,
insights, vision, and experiences. In eros, the lover is occupied with the
beloved; in phileo, two or more companions are
occupied with common interests and activities. Without this dimension of
friendship, a marriage will slip into the rut of mediocrity.
5. Agape--We have already seen that this
is the highest of the loves because it is characterized by unselfishness and
giving, even to the point of sacrifice. Agape is not a conditional
"if" love that places others on a performance basis. Nor is it a
"because" love that results from mutual attraction or friendship. Agape
is an "in spite of" love which sets no conditions and stands firm in
spite of circumstances. It is prompted by a willful choice to put another's
interest before one's own and to serve another person regardless of his or her
response. It relates more to the will than to the emotions. Agape is not
theoretical but practical, because it is expressed in actions.
Agape is not natural. It is a divine love, and our choice to love others in
this way requires us to be willing vessels of God's love. It is not something
we can manufacture in the power of the flesh. Agape is the only love which can
provide a true foundation for a successful Christian marriage. The other loves
are all important, and each of them should be facets of the marital
relationship. But they are like flowers in a garden that must be cultivated,
nourished, and weeded by agape. Without it, the other loves can degenerate and
become ends in themselves:
Epithumia can become an addictive and selfish quest for the acquisition of
pleasure; legitimate sexual desire for a spouse can turn into sexual lust for
other men or women.
Eros can become a tyrant;
the feeling of "being in love" can be so romanticized that it speaks
with the voice of a god and leads people into illicit relationships.
Storge can lead to
rudeness, bad manners, jealousy, the demanding of "rights," and the
need to be needed.
Phileo can degenerate
into the sharing of secret evils and hatreds; it can lead to a we-versus-they
mentality that excludes outsiders.
When these loves are
controlled and transformed by the love of God, each of them can become aspects
of agape while also remaining, in the best sense, the natural loves they were.
Frictions and faults are really invitations to turn these loves into agape,
"which is the perfect bond of unity" (Col. 3:14), so that we respond
with "compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing
with one another, and forgiving each other" (Col. 3:12-13).
LET'S REVIEW
* Write out a personal definition for each word for "love":
|
EPITHUMIA
|
|
|
EROS |
|
|
STORGE |
|
|
PHILEO |
|
|
AGAPE |
|
In this exercise, note
the dangers of each kind of love apart from agape. Then describe how each is
controlled and transformed when expressed in the context of God's love, agape.
|
Dangers
Apart from Agape |
Fruits
in Context of Agape |
|
Epithumia |
|
|
|
|
|
Eros |
|
|
|
|
|
Storge |
|
|
|
|
|
Phileo |
|
|
|
|
Now that you understand the
five kinds of love and the important contribution each makes to a healthy
marriage relationship, take some time to discuss them with your spouse to see
how each can be enhanced in your marriage.
Exercise: Read 1
Corinthians 13:4-7 two times to gain a better understanding of agape in action.
Then read it a third time and visualize the life of Christ as you substitute
the name of Jesus for love. Finally, read the passage a fourth time while
substituting your own name, and use this as a diagnostic tool to surface areas
of deficiency in your own love for your husband or wife. Acknowledge these
areas to the Lord and ask Him to transform the quality of your love.
The word communication is
derived from the Latin word communis, which means to have in common. Commonalty
is essential to every form of love. Studies consistently reveal that the
primary cause of marital problems and divorces is a lack of communication.
Communication is the
process of sharing thoughts and feelings, through verbal and non-verbal means,
with another person so that he or she understands what you are attempting to
express. Effective communication does not happen by accident; it is a skill
which requires the discipline of development. There are three essential components
of the communication process: talking, listening, and caring.
The most obvious aspect
of communication is verbalizing. Scripture exhorts us to speak the truth in
love (Eph. 4:15), and this requires a mutual attitude of openness and honesty.
For love to grow in a marriage there must be regular times of interaction and
comradeship. At some point in each day, both partners should make an effort to
move beyond the level of routine conversation to verbalize hopes,
disappointments, joys, fears, prayer requests and answers, plans, ideas, and
interests. As a couple talks things over, confides in each other, and spends
time together, they become better and better friends.
Your mate should be your best friend. Tragically, this rarely occurs in marriage.
Too often, couples get so wrapped up with their children that they hardly know
each other. Then when the children leave, they discover that they are like
strangers who have been living for years under the same roof. This does not
need to happen, but effort is required to avoid it. Friendships are cultivated
by shared thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Listening is the biggest
problem in effective communication. Most of us have developed poor listening
habits, and this is especially true in the way we listen to our mates. Because
we think we know our partners so well, we often tune them out and miss what
they are really trying to say. Preoccupation, daydreaming, worry, distractions
(e.g., television), and lack of interest are a few of the barriers to real
listening. Norm Wright mentions another barrier in Communication: Key to Your
Marriage. He observes that when one person talks to another, there are actually
six messages that can be communicated:
What you mean to say.
What you actually say.
What the other person hears.
What the other person thinks he hears.
What the other person says about what you said.
What you think the other person said about what you said.
It is easy for the
speaker to fall short of the ideal in verbalization, "Say what you mean
and mean what you say." It is even easier for the listener to incorrectly
perceive, interpret, evaluate, and respond to a message.
A study conducted by
Albert Mehrabian demonstrated that a listener
determines the attitude of a speaker toward him by three components: the words
themselves, the tone of voice, and non-verbal factors. Significantly, the words
account for only 7% of the message; the remaining 93% is communicated by the
tone of voice (38%) and non-verbal cues (55%). This is a sharp reminder that
what we do speaks so loudly that our partners often cannot hear what we say.
Here are several
suggestions for improving your listening skills:
Exercise: Look up the
following passages and write down a communication principle for each one:
|
Principles
that |
Principles that |
|
Proverbs 12:25 |
Proverbs 11:13 |
|
Proverbs 15:1 |
Proverbs 12:22 |
|
Proverbs 15:23 |
Proverbs 18:2 |
|
Proverbs 25:11 |
Proverbs 18:13 |
|
Isaiah 50:4 |
Proverbs 18:19 |
|
Ephesians 4:15 |
Proverbs 21:9,19 |
|
Ephesians 4:29b |
Ephesians 4:26-27 |
|
1 Peter. 2:22-23;
3:9-10 |
Ephesians 4:29a |
|
James 1:19-20 |
James 3:5-12 |
Caring is a key
ingredient in effective communication, because it is the genuine desire to understand
the other person, to build areas of common ground, and to deepen the
relationship. Real caring requires a willingness to concentrate on another
person's strengths and accept his or her weaknesses. Caring involves
transparency, vulnerability, and supportiveness; it is other-centered rather
than self-centered.
Here are some suggestions
for developing this aspect of your relationship. Check the areas you need to
work on:
Quality communication is
essential to a maturing, dynamic relationship. Don't settle for mediocrity.
Develop some specific, achievable goals for improving the quality of your
mental communication. Two examples are provided to get you started.
Plan an overnight
rendezvous with my spouse (get a baby sitter if you have kids) and discuss
marriage and family goals (e.g., spiritual life, recreation, finances, etc.).
We live in a culture that
has succumbed to the process of secularization and reflects materialistic
values on every level. Though we are supposed to love people and use things,
more and more of us use people and love things. Increasing stress and rootlessness, along with confusion of roles and excessive
activities have threatened the stability of the family unit. Communication and
creative participation in the home have been on the decline for years. As
marital and parental bonds grow weaker, separation and divorce become more
common. These and other cultural influences challenge the viability of quality
marriages and affect us all.
In such a relativistic
society, we need more than ever to be grounded in an absolute frame of
reference. If we do not daily renew our minds by the truths of the Word in this
and in other areas of life, we will unavoidably slip into the mind-set of our
surrounding culture and our marriages will be severely threatened. Many
Christians have already absorbed the prevailing attitude that divorce is a live
option. When two people enter into a marriage thinking that they can always
bail out when times get rough, the possibility of divorce is greatly enhanced.
The Bible is clear in its
teaching that marriage is to be permanent ("'For I hate divorce,' says the
Lord, the God of Israel;" Mal. 2:16). Separation and divorce are contrary
to the purposes for which God instituted marriage. When Jesus was tested by the
Pharisees in this area, He went back to God's original design for marriage,
quoting Genesis 1:27 and 2:24 and concluding, "What therefore God has
joined together, let no man separate" (Matt. 19:6; Mark 10:9). When a man
and a woman marry, God yokes them in an indissoluble union. It is therefore
dishonoring to God to even consider divorce as an escape hatch, because this
distorts the spiritual reality of marriage and creates a breach in commitment
that can widen under pressure.
As Christians, we are to
pursue a higher standard than that of the prevailing culture. God's pattern and
purpose for marriage is constantly imperiled by internal forces of selfishness
and external forces of society. Because of the problem of sin, we all fall
short of God's ideal for our marriages. It is only as we abide in His power
that we can fulfill His plan in this most important of earthly relationships.
God deals with us in the
present; if in the past you have made mistakes that have lead to separation or
divorce, you can claim His forgiveness in the present and be relieved from any
burden of guilt. Like Paul, you can forget what lies behind and reach forward
to what lies ahead (Phil. 3:13). If in the present you are suffering from an
unhappy marriage, you can prayerfully apply biblical principles and maintain
your commitment by God's power regardless of the response of your mate. If for
the sake of Christ you have been called to endure hardship, God's grace will be
sufficient for you as you honor Him (see Rom. 8:18; 2 Cor.
4:17; 12:9; Phil. 4:13; 1 Pet. 2:19-21; 3:1).
Exercise:
Carefully read Matthew 19:3-12; Mark 10:2-12; and 1 Corinthians 7:10-28. Write
down the key principles you gain on marriage, divorce, and remarriage from
these crucial passages.
The goal of marriage is
communion: it is a relationship of oneness on the spiritual, psychological, and
physical levels.
On the deepest level, we
are spiritual beings, created in God's image to have an eternal relationship with
Him. Nothing short of this relationship will satisfy our God-given needs for
unconditional love and acceptance, significance and identity, and competence
and achievement. In our new position in Christ we are perfectly loved and
accepted as sons and daughters of God's family; we have significance and
identity as members of the body of Christ; and we have been made competent by
the gifts of the Spirit to achieve God's purposes for our lives.
If we look to our
marriage partners to get our personal worth needs met, we will be exploiting
the relationship to get something the other person can never deliver. But if we
look to Christ and daily renew our minds with the truth that our needs are
fully met in Him, we will liberate our partners from unrealistic demands and
find fulfillment rather than frustration. When we trust God's love for us and
believe His promise that our deepest longings are satisfied in Him, we are then
free to give to the other person without expecting or demanding anything in
return. Even if we are rejected in our efforts to serve, we can continue to
give in spite of the pain as we acknowledge our feelings to God and reaffirm
our true and unchanging position in Christ. We can do this knowing that we are
secure in the love of Christ; our true significance is not threatened when we
are hurt and rejected by others.
Oneness takes place on
the spiritual level when both partners look to the Lord to meet their needs and
encourage each other to develop this sense of complete dependence. As the two draw
nearer to God, they also come closer to each other because both are finding
meaning and fulfillment in the same source.
[Triangle of
relationships illustration.]
Couples can cultivate their spiritual oneness by taking a little time in the
morning or evening to study the Bible and pray together (consistency is
crucial).
Isn't it strange, even
tragic, that so few couples pray together? They share meals and conversation,
work and play; they share their own bodies and hopes and plans. But they do not
openly share God together. Yet He is their deepest source of unity, joy and
fulfillment (Armand Nigro).
In addition to shared
time in prayer and Scripture, it can also be helpful to read and discuss
Christian books of mutual interest and listen together to tapes by various
Bible teachers.
What are the three
God-given needs that all people have?
* How are these three
needs met by God?
On the spiritual level, a
husband and wife must depend on the Lord to meet their deepest needs. As they
encourage each other to do this, a spiritual oneness develops between them.
This in turn is the basis for unity on the psychological level; married couples
have been called to an interpersonal oneness of mind, emotion, and will. While
they cannot alter the reality of their security and significance in Christ,
they can enhance one another's realization of this truth.
In The Marriage Builder,
Larry Crabb discusses two opposing principles that
surface in Christian marriages: the principle of manipulation versus the
principle of ministry. He states the important truth that beliefs determine
goals. If a man or woman does not believe that his or her needs are really met
in Christ, that person will pursue the goal of manipulating others to get those
needs met. When this happens, marriage motivations are self-centered rather
than other-centered, and this leads to parasitic relationships.
The only way to turn from
the goal of manipulation to the goal of ministry is a change of beliefs. When we
believe the New Testament truth that our fulfillment is found in Christ, we are
then free to give ourselves unconditionally to our spouses. Knowing who we are
in Christ, we can choose in the power of the Spirit to minister to our
partner's needs.
It is natural to desire
that our partners reciprocate in this process, but this desire must not become
our goal, since it depends on the other person for its fulfillment. We must
continue to pursue the goal of ministry and leave our desires in God's hands.
If we fail to do so, we will slip into the subtle trap of manipulating our
partners to change according to our desires. We must rely on the grace of God
to sustain us during times of sadness, failure, rejection, and disappointment
in marriage so that we will not succumb to despair. During such trials, we must
cling to the truth of God's goodness, believing that regardless of our
circumstances, God's good and loving purpose is to make us more like Christ.
With this attitude, we can joyfully obey God's mandate to commit ourselves to
the satisfaction of our spouses. We can accept and forgive them just as we have
been accepted and forgiven by Jesus.
In this section, we
discussed the difference between the goal of manipulation and the goal of
ministry. In what ways have you tried to manipulate your mate to conform to
your desires?
What practical steps do
you need to implement the principle of ministry to your spouse? For example:
Pray with my wife regularly. Share a word of encouragement with my mate in a
phone call.
What truth do you need to
believe in order to selflessly minister to your mate?
Oneness on the level of
spirit and soul provides the basis for physical oneness in marriage. From a
biblical standpoint, sex should not be regarded as "making love" but
as expressing love. Sexual intimacy was designed to be an expression of
spiritual and psychological (mental, emotional, and volitional) intimacy. As
Larry Crabb notes, the two bodies that come together
should house two persons who are already together. The sexual relationship was
never intended to lead to a good marriage, but to be the product of a good
marriage.
Our culture has cheapened
and debased the idea of sexuality by minimizing this dimension of personal
meaning and ignoring the boundaries originally set by God. Sex has become
associated with coarse humor, promiscuity, obsession, perversion, exploitation,
and abuse. It is a tyrannical master of those who pursue physical pleasure as a
solution for their personal problems.
The biblical perspective
is utterly opposed to this mentality. Scripture teaches that God is the
originator of the sexual relationship; it was not produced in the gutter but in
glory. It is God who designs, but man who degenerates. Listen to what C. S.
Lewis has the demon Screwtape say to his nephew
Wormwood in The Screwtape
Letters:
Never forget that when we
are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we
are, in a sense, on the Enemy's ground. I know we have won many a soul through
pleasure. All the same, it is His invention, not ours. He made the pleasures:
all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one.
Larry Christenson in The Christian Family observes that
believers tend to fall into two basic errors in their attitude toward sex. The
first is the Puritanical and Victorian attitude that sex is a kind of necessary
evil. This mentality is not derived from the Bible, but from the ancient Greek
dualism between the physical (evil) and the spiritual (good). By contrast,
Genesis teaches that marriage and sex were given as a gift of God before, not
after the fall. It is therefore good, not sinful, when used according to His
design.
Exercise: Look up these
passages to determine the divine parameters for the use of the gift of sex:
Genesis 2:24
Exodus 20:14
Proverbs 5:15-17
Proverbs 6:23-32
1 Corinthians 6:15-20
Ephesians 5:3
1 Thessalonians 4:1-8
Hebrews 13:4
While the first basic
error deprecates sex, the second error spiritualizes it. It is sometimes
described in such elevated terms that one would hardly know that the primary
aspect of the sexual relationship is physical and emotional pleasure. Sex is
sometimes solemnized to the point that Christians are afraid to admit it is
fun. Play and laughter should not be banished from the bedroom.
Scripture reveals three
purposes for the sexual dimension of marriage: procreation, pleasure, and
protection.
Procreation--The divine mandate to "be
fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth" was given before the fall (Gen.
1:28) and after the flood (Gen. 9:7) so that the earth would be populated.
Children are the logical outcome of a love relationship.
Pleasure--God created the pleasure of
sexuality to enhance this aspect of communication and shared experience. Read
these passages to see what they say about sexual desire and pleasure:
Genesis 3:16
Genesis 18:12
Genesis 26:8
Deuteronomy 24:5
Proverbs 5:18-19
The relationship between
Solomon and Shulamith so beautifully portrayed in the
rich poetic imagery of the Song of Solomon offers an unparalleled illustration
of sensuous love. For a clear picture of this pattern for the sexual expression
of love, you and your partner may want to read A Song for Lovers by S. Craig Glickman, a commentary on the Song of Solomon which
includes a new translation and paraphrase of the book.
Protection--Another divine purpose for the
sexual union between a husband and wife is to protect them both from
immorality.
But because of
immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own
husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the
wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but
the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over
his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by
agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come
together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:2-5).
This is not a matter of
legalized prostitution, because both sides are equally represented in this
passage. There is no double standard here; Paul speaks of mutual
responsibility. The husband and the wife have relinquished the right to their
bodies and turned that authority over to each other. The wife's body belongs to
her husband, and the husband's body belongs to his wife. Neither has the right
to withhold physical affection or use sex in a manipulative way. Sex is not to
be used as a club or as a reward for good behavior. Instead, both partners are
responsible to care for and fulfill one another's physical needs. Sex was never
intended to be self-oriented but partner-oriented.
Verse 5 teaches that
apart from brief periods by mutual consent, a couple should not defraud each
other by abstaining from habitual sexual practice, because this would lead to
excessive temptation. Each should serve as a magnet to the other so that they
will be able to resist the pull of outside attraction (see Prov.
5:15-17,20; 1 Cor. 7:9).
1 Corinthians 7:1-5 is one of the clearest passages in the Bible on the
importance of sex in marriage.
According to these
verses, mark the following statements either true or false:
T. F. The husband has the greater need for sex; it is
assumed that the wife has little
interest in or need for sex.
T. F. Failure to meet the sexual need of one's partner
is sin.
T. F. Meeting your mate's sexual needs in an option,
not an obligation.
What conditions are
required in verse 5 for sexual abstinence in marriage?
There are three principal
barriers to a fulfilling sexual relationship in marriage. The first arises from
painful experiences in the past that relate to sexuality. These can lead to
inhibitions and a fear of full participation with one's mate. This obstacle is
overcome when a person realizes that his or her needs are fully met in Christ,
and that rejection or painful associations do not threaten his or her true
identity and security.
The second barrier stems
from spiritual and/or psychological tension between marriage partners. When
there is a lack of caring and communication, when there is anger, guilt, unforgiveness, and resentment, when there is anxiety
because of insecurity in the relationship, sexual responsiveness is impaired.
The solution lies in what was said earlier about exchanging goals of manipulation
for goals of ministry. When we believe that we are complete in Christ, we can
look beyond ourselves to the needs of our mates and pursue the proper goal of
being God's instruments to touch those needs.
The third barrier is poor
sexual technique. This can be overcome by a better understanding of the
physiological and psychological aspects of romance, warmth, sensitivity,
caressing, arousal, etc. For help in this area, consider reading one of the
following: Intended for Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat, The Gift of Sex by
Clifford and Joyce Penner, Sexual Happiness in
Marriage by Herbert J. Miles, or The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye.
What are the three
principal barriers to a fulfilling sexual relationship in marriage, and how is
each overcome?
Spiritual, psychological,
and physical communion in marriage can continue to grow through the years when
a man and a woman are committed to ministering to one another on every level.
In Love-Life for Every Married Couple, Ed Wheat presents a helpful list of the
strands that make up the bond of intimacy between a husband and wife:
Physical touching of an affectionate, non-sexual nature (touch should not be
used exclusively as a signal for sex)
--Shared feelings
--Closeness without inhibitions
--Absence of psychological defenses
--Open communication and honesty
--Intellectual agreement on major issues
--Spiritual harmony
--Sensitive appreciation of the mate's physical and emotional responses
--Similar values held
--Imparted secrets
--Genuine understanding
--Mutual confidence
--A sense of warmth, safety, and relaxation when together
--Sensuous nearness
--Sexual pleasures lovingly shared
--Signs of love freely given and received
--Mutual responsibility and caring
--Abiding trust
Personal inventory exercise: Use this list to examine your own marriage. Pray
about the areas of deficiency and ask for God's grace and enabling to minister
more effectively to your mate.
"Roles always
determine relationships, and relationships create responsibility" (Howard
Hendricks). Because of the abuse and misunderstanding of roles and because of
the current cultural trend away from role differentiation, this subject is
often looked upon with disfavor. But the Scriptures clearly teach that men and
women have distinctive roles to fulfill in Christian marriage, and that these
roles actually reflect and illustrate the spiritual relationship between Christ
and the church.
Ephesians 5:22-33 paints
the clearest biblical portrait of the position of the husband and wife.
Significantly, this passage is set within the context of the manifestations of
the filling of the Spirit. Verse 21 tells us that one evidence of the
Spirit-controlled life is mutual submission in the fear of Christ. Submission
is not the exclusive responsibility of the woman; it is to be the life-style of
every believer. No one who refuses to live under authority is fit to wield
authority. All Christians are called to submit to the authority of Christ and
to the truths of God's Word. One of these truths is that marriage best reflects
the relationship between Christ and His bride (the church) when the husband
assumes the responsibility of being the head of the home. As God's
representative authority, he is to take the initiative and leadership in the
marriage relationship.
Before we can clearly see what the Bible means by headship, we need to clear
away the debris of misconceptions. Here are five (modified from Heaven Help the
Home by Howard Hendricks):
1. Headship is not
dictatorship. The Bible does not give the husband permission to set up an
autocracy in the home. Husbands are not to lord their authority over their
family, but exercise it in humility. Ephesians 5:23 says, "For the husband
is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself
being the Savior of the body." Christ is not the dictator but the lover
and Savior of the church.
2. Headship does not mean that the husband is superior. Men and women have an
equal standing before Christ (see Gal. 3:28). The best biblical analogy is in 1
Corinthians 11:3--"But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of
every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of
Christ." Clearly, this is not a matter of inferiority, but of function. It
is just as heretical to say that women are inferior to men as it is to say that
Christ is inferior to God.
3. Headship does not mean that the husband must make all the decisions.
Husbands are told to manage their households (1 Tim. 3:12); a wise manager does
not make decisions in areas of incompetence, but delegates authority.
4. Headship does not mean that the husband is always right. It does mean that
he is responsible for the decisions that are made.
5. Headship is not to be demanded. Husbands are commanded to love their wives,
not to make them submit by lecturing and haranguing them.
The husband's God-given task is nothing less than a leadership of love:
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for
her to sanctify her … In the same way husbands ought to love their wives
as their own bodies. (Eph. 5:25-26,28).
There could be no higher
analogy; a husband's love for his wife is to be modeled after Christ's supreme
passion for the church. This love is rooted in self-sacrifice; like Christ,
husbands are actually told to give themselves up for the spiritual welfare of
their wives. They are called to protect their wives physically, emotionally,
and spiritually.
The husband is to be the
initiator not only in leadership, but also in love. He is to manifest both
authority and affection as head and heart of the home. This provides the
perfect balance, because it avoids the two extremes of autocracy (leadership
without love) and sentimentality (love without leadership). This can only be
achieved by being dependent upon the power of the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 5:21 introduces
the best known passage in Scripture on the role of the husband and wife in
marriage. You as a husband are to be subject to your wife through the proper
exercise of your God-given role. Always keep this basic relational principle
before you as you proceed through this study.
The first role of a
husband mentioned in Ephesians 5:23 is that he should be the head of the wife.
HEAD: As God's
representative authority, the husband is to take the initiative, leadership,
and responsibility for the marriage relationship.
--Miserable failure
--Still alive but doing poorly
--Maintaining status quo
--Doing well but have a long way to go
--Growing, successful company
The second role of a
husband is that he is to love his wife.
|
How I love my own body |
How I should love my
own wife |
|
|
|
a. What are your
needs (e.g., emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, etc.)?
b. How would you
prioritize these needs?
c. What practical
suggestions do you have for me so that I can help meet these needs?
____ I listen carefully
and attentively when my wife describes the activities of her day and the
various difficulties she encounters.
____ Even when I believe my wife is wrong, I am compassionate toward her
and considerate of why she feels the way she does.
____ I make a habit of trying to overlook the surface words and actions
of my wife when she expresses anger or hurt and patiently try to discover the
real cause.
____ I am a student of my wife and pay close attention to her feelings,
likes, dislikes, attitudes, etc.
Point to Ponder: "I used to
pray, 'God, change my wife.' Then I realized I was praying the wrong prayer,
and began to pray, 'God, change my wife's husband.'"
Jay Adams has summarized
God's high calling for married believers in two questions: "Husbands, do
you love your wives enough to die for them? Wives, do you love your husbands
enough to live for them?" The husband is to love his wife as his own body
and give himself up for her. The wife is to respect her husband and voluntarily
respond to his God-given authority.
Ephesians 5:22-24 and the parallel passage in Colossians 3:18 tell wives to be
subject to their own husbands as is fitting in the Lord in the same way that
the church is subject to Christ. Many people in our culture have taken issue
with this mandate because they misunderstand the New Testament picture of
submission. Paul was no woman-hater; his epistles often commend and speak of
women with graciousness and respect. It is important to overcome misconceptions
in this area:
1. Submission does not
mean inferiority. In 1 Peter, there is a clear parallel between Christ's
submission to "Him who judges righteously" (1 Pet. 2:23) and the
mandate for wives to be submissive "in the same way" to their own
husbands (1 Pet. 3:1). This, coupled with the analogy between Christ and the
Father in 1 Corinthians 11:3, shows that the wife's role is dignified, not
demeaned, because it so clearly reflects the life Jesus lived.
2. Submission does not
mean that a wife must place her brain on the shelf. A woman can creatively use
her talents and exercise her spiritual gifts within the context of her
divinely-given role and responsibilities.
3. Submission does not
mean a lack of fulfillment. True freedom comes from obedience to God's design.
Rebellion against biblical truth in an attempt to go one's own way leads to
frustration, not fulfillment.
Exercise: Proverbs
31:10-31 is a beautiful portrait of an excellent wife who has found fulfillment
in her God-given role. She recognizes her worth and creatively uses every one
of her gifts in the service of her household. Read this passage and list ten of
her qualities. How does her husband respond?
The Excellent
Wife
4. Submission does not mean passivity. It is an active choice that requires the
courage of trusting God and depending on Him in the midst of the trials and
circumstances of married life.
5. Submission does not
mean servility. Important decisions in a family should not be made without the
perspectives and opinions of the wife. A woman can be outspoken in her ideas
and still maintain a biblical attitude toward her husband.
"To be submissive
means to yield humble and intelligent obedience to an ordained power or
authority" (Larry Christenson). We have seen that submission is not
restricted to women; it is to be the life-style of every believer. There are
different spheres of authority (e.g., government, employment, church), and
corresponding spheres of responsibility. In the home, God has ordained that the
final responsibility for decision-making rests in the hands of the husband.
As a wife submits to her husband, she honors God by obeying His design for
marriage and reflecting Christ's complete submission to His Father:
In the same way, you
wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are
disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of
their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior (1 Pet.
3:1-2).
Though Christ suffered
innocently, He did not lash back. In a similar way, a Christian woman is told
to be submissive even if her husband fails in his role. Like Jesus (see 1 Pet.
2:21-25), she can entrust herself to God, knowing that she is never alone, and
believing that the ultimate result of obedience to Him is worth the cost. The
real test is not how others act, but how we react. By God's grace, both men and
women should pursue the legitimate goal of being the right person rather than
the illegitimate goal of changing their mates' behavior. Because God is loving
and good, they can trust Him for the final outcome.
Peter adds that while
external adornment may fade, inner adornment in a woman can increase with time.
The quality of a gentle and quiet spirit is imperishable and precious in the
sight of God (1 Pet. 3:3-4). This inward attractiveness is maintained by hope
in God and manifested by submission to the husband (1 Pet. 3:5). When a woman
honors God in this way, she does not need to be afraid of the consequences of
her obedience (1 Pet. 3:6). (If her husband asks her to do something that is
clearly in violation of Scripture, she should try to find an alternative course
of action. If he persists, she must obey God and respectfully disobey her
husband.)
Ephesians 5:21 introduces
the best known passage in Scripture on the role of the husband and wife in
marriage. You are to be subject to your husband through the proper exercise of
your God-given role. Always keep this basic relational principle before you as
you proceed through this study.
The primary role of a
wife mentioned in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 is that she is to be submissive to
her husband.
SUBMISSION: Submission is
a voluntary, positive and respectful response to the God-given authority of the
husband.
A woman should submit to
her husband's authority because . . .
a. Women are generally incompetent in the area of decision making.
b. Someone must have the final say, and God has given this responsibility
to the husband.
c. Husbands are normally more deserving of the role of authority.
d. The husband is stronger physically and intellectually.
e. This is what God asked her to do.
f. The husband says he is the boss, and that's the way it is.
g. Her opinions and feelings are relatively unimportant.
a. My husband asked
me to lie on our income tax.
b. My husband is
not a Christian and he has told me not to attend church.
c. My husband has
told me not to wear my favorite red dress anymore.
" That is why a man
leaves his father and mother. . ." (Gen. 2:24). We have already seen that
a successful marriage requires a separation from both sets of parents. This
separation can be traumatic to all concerned if the parents have not been preparing
their children for the responsibilities of married life. Maturity involves a
process of moving from complete dependence to complete independence.
Serious marital problems can develop when this independence is incomplete. (1)
Physical. It is not advisable to live with parents or even to spend great
amounts of time with them. This can threaten the establishment of a bond of
intimacy between a husband and wife. (2) Emotional. The psychological umbilical
cord must be severed, or there will always be the temptation to turn to parents
to fulfill roles that should be reserved for your spouse. (3) Financial.
Financial dependence upon parents can lead to domination, low self-esteem, and
marital tension.
Another source of strife
between couples is an unloving and critical attitude toward in-laws. Even if
they are unkind in their treatment, Scripture tells us to respond with
kindness, forgiveness, and prayer (see Luke 6:27-28). Paul adds, "Do not
be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Rom. 12:21).
In what ways, if any,
have you failed to develop a healthy independent relationship with your
in-laws? What action steps are necessary to correct this?
A marriage relationship
is never static, but dynamic. It is either growing or dying. That is why
periodic evaluation is always healthy. The following practical suggestions are
designed to facilitate the evaluation process. Prayerfully go through the
checklist, mark those areas the Holy Spirit impresses upon you, and go to work
on them. Do it now. Do it regularly. You'll develop a wonderful marriage in the
process!
Find creative ways to do
special things for your wife.
Regularly share your hopes and plans with your wife and listen carefully to
hers.
Be sensitive to her emotional needs and tune in to what she is feeling.
Look for her strengths and praise her for them.
Leave her weaknesses to the Lord and pray about them.
Do not get slack in courtesy and good manners.
Avoid a domineering and bossy attitude.
Try to learn new things about her and the things she enjoys.
Do not compare her with other women.
Encourage her in her activities.
Keep yourself spiritually, mentally, and physically fit.
Find creative ways to do
special things for your husband.
Look for his strengths and praise him for them.
Leave his weaknesses to the Lord and pray about them.
Try to learn new things about him and the things he enjoys.
Do not compare him with other men.
Encourage him in his activities.
Keep yourself spiritually, mentally, and physically fit.
Study the Bible together and talk about practic